


I Have To Say I Love You In A Song

by N7Pharaohess



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Conversations through song, F/M, Feelings through song, Fluff and Crack, Karaoke, Songfic, very silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-03
Updated: 2018-06-18
Packaged: 2019-05-17 15:54:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14835329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/N7Pharaohess/pseuds/N7Pharaohess
Summary: Unapologetic crack!fic. Mass Effect 2 era, post-Horizon.Shepard, wanting a break one night, heads to her favourite karaoke bar on the Citadel with Tali and Kasumi in tow. The last thing she expects is a certain bitoic commander, who had the same idea...and, well it IS a karaoke bar...so a conversation of sorts ensues. A conversation, through songs, in a partially crowded bar.





	1. The Love I Meant To Say

The bar was small and positively silent compared to the distant thudding base of Purgatory a few levels above. There, it was dark corners and crowded dancers, extravagant drinks and numerous floors for patrons of all species to congregate and leave the outside world behind. It may have lacked some of the delicious sin of Afterlife and its lithe dancers, but for the Citadel, Purgatory was their own little slice of unbridled fun. 

But tonight wasn’t a Purgatory night, Shepard had decided before she left the Normandy. She’d left the leather dress in the wardrobe, and put on her N7 hoodie over a set of clean black fatigues that were, most importantly, unadorned of any allegiances (thanks to some delicate work with a needle purloined from the medbay). Tonight she could just be herself, so she’d decided to sneak away to a smaller bar she’d discovered by accident on one of her numerous stopovers at the Citadel. It was a human/turian venture, a small clean haven of good drink prices and the one thing Shepard never thought she’d find on a spacestation – honest to goodness _karaoke_. 

Well, she’d _tried_ to sneak away and had promptly been intercepted by Kasumi and Tali, who had in turn decided they were joining her for what had been re-christened from “a quiet drink” to “a quiet girl’s night”. When Shepard had acquiesced, on the agreement that they were to go where she was planning, she'd been forced to lead them away from the centre of the ward and explain what her chosen destination was. To her surprise (and relief) Kasumi freely admitted her own enjoyment of karaoke and Tali loved the idea, mentioning a similar social activity on the Quairan fleet. 

So now here they were, drinking their respective poisons of choice and idly flipping through the song catalogue in a booth of the tastefully yet dimly lit _Speakezy_. Shepard was pleased to see they had updated their list since she had last had a chance to visit (in her previous life), and connected to a major music data base on the extranet. She was becoming increasingly aware that after another drink she was going to pick out her own song and go up for a laugh. She _could_ sing well, and most of the crew were aware their Commander had a love of classic Earth rock, but she didn’t get the chance to really sing much these days. No place for it in a fight, or in negotiations, after all. 

As she was lazily trying to decide on a song choice, Kasumi, who had been observing and critiquing the past performers, made a soft noise of approval. “Well, at least he’s not half bad to look at, even if he ends up sounding bad.”

Shepard idly glanced towards the object of Kasumi’s interest and nearly choked on her drink. The dark, swept hair, the nicely muscled stature and soldier’s posture. Those eyes.

_Oh, shit._

“Kaidan," Shepard whispered. For a moment she wasn't even aware she'd spoken aloud.

Kasumi turned back, a surprised look on her usually impassive face. “Shep, you’ve got to be kidding me. That’s… _him_?” Her eyes slid in the direction of the stage, appraising Kaidan with new interest. "It's like Christmas came early."

Shepard scowled at the master thief as Tali gently reached her hand across the table and laid it on Shepard's, where it was still clutching at her glass. “Do you want to leave? We can go without him seeing us.”

"I, uh..." Shepard struggled to find words and form them into an coherent answer.  Her mind was whirling at a mile a minute. Kaidan, here – of all places, here? Not that she'd expected him to stay away from the Citadel or anything, but why had he left Horizon? Guiltily she remembered she'd never replied to that email he'd sent. One minute she was a feared and respected Commander, battle-hardened and resolute, and the next Tali was looking at her like she might break into a million pieces at the sight of him. Like she was just a normal woman with emotions that were currently in turmoil. 

After all, it wasn't like their last meeting had gone well. And yes, Kaidan's later email had eased a lot of her grievance from him walking away from her, and Garrus _had_ helped her find a different perspective in the bottom of a bottle. She could see what it must have looked like to Kaidan when she suddenly wasn't dead, and was with Cerberus. Two years was a long time, and Kaidan had gone through a lot in the aftermath of her death, if Garrus' stories were to be believed. That he wouldn't let her explain before turning his back on her still smarted though, and she knew at some point she would have to corner him and explain everything, in the hope he would gain more understanding, and...

...and what? Unabashedly forgive her? Just pick up where they had left off? Sheaprd didn't even know if Kaidan still felt anything for her, especially after Horizon. It had only been a few months for her and she still dreamed of him, and wished he was beside her in the bed in her cabin, but he'd grieved and begun to move on. Surely anything more between the two of them would just re-open old wounds?

 _Do you remember the night before_ _Ilos_ _? That night meant everything to me… maybe it meant as much to you. But a lot has changed in the last two years and I can’t just put that aside._ Shepard had memorized his email to her, re-reading it so many times, and now his words came back to her. _I couldn’t bear it if I lost you again,_ he'd written. That could just mean grief over losing a friend again. _When things have settled down a little… maybe… I don’t know. Just take care._

She snuck a glance from under her eyelashes towards the small stage. Kaidan was stepping up, evidently about to sing. Kaidan. Singing. Karaoke. In a partially crowded bar. 

 _Maybe Christmas_ ** _has_** _come early..._

Blinking quickly, Shepard dropped her gaze. She didn't think he'd seen her yet, but surely it was only a matter of time. And he was here. And he was…going to sing.

Before she could finally answer Tali's question, she heard the familiar opening strains of a song she knew. It wasn't a well known Earth classic or anything, just a song she'd come across in her youth and always had a soft spot for. It was a gentle, heartfelt song of love gone awry, and though it's subject was melancholy, Shepard had always loved it's sweet and easy melody. _'_ _Over, I can't believe it's over,_ _I can't believe the love I've left, t_ _o show some other day...'_

 _Ha,_ Shepard thought, _h_ _ow_ _fitting..._ She knew she was probably reading into things that weren't there, but she felt a grim satisfaction regardless, as if Kaidan could have been talking right to her. 

“I didn’t know he could sing so well,” Tali admitted, and undertone of awe in her voice. Shepard could only nod in reply - she’d known, and she’d also known Kaidan didn’t put much stock in it, as there wasn't much need for singing on missions. He only tended to really sing out when he was drunk or emotional. And right now he didn’t seem like he'd been drinking...

Momentarily blocking the song out, Shepard tried to surreptitiously take a good look at Kaidan. He wasn't drunk, no – but he _was_ tired. There was something in his eyes, some deep exhaustion and hurt, that made Shepard want to reach out to him. _'_ _Listen, I hope that you can hear me, a_ _s I kneel down and pray...'_ What could be on his mind? Could it be possible that their altercation on Horizon _was_ still affecting him? It was sure still consuming her thoughts, but she'd assumed Kaidan would be fine, stoic as ever...not as upset as he seemed, suddenly vulnerable as he sang.

_'.._ _With the love I meant to say.'_

Kasumi was muttering something to Tali, making the quarian giggle despite the ballad's tone, but Shepard couldn't stop staring into the middle distance as the words wound themselves around her mind and threatened to overwhelm her. Snippets of lyrics seemed to jump out at her, like there was something she was missing, a code or answer that was just out of reach. Some kind of message that was more than just a casual karaoke performance. It was almost like he really was singing just for her and her alone, like there was no one else in the bar but them. Was it reall _y_ possible that he was singing this with her in mind? _'_ _Shadows, you took away the shadows, b_ _efore_ _you_ _life was black and white, though tonight the room's gone grey...'_

“I think…I think he’s talking about me?” She muttered in a small voice, blush creeping over her cheeks as Kasumi and Tali turned to her as one, fixing her with the same impassive stare. She ran a hand through her hair, trying to phrase her explanation in such a way that didn't make her sound crazy or melodramatic. "It's like he's singing about Horizon? And regretting his actions? And...what we once had. Urgh," She put her head in her hands. "No, I'm reading too much into this. It's is all just coincidence."

Kasumi leaned her head back. "No, Shep, I think you're clearly onto something. _Th_ _e love I meant to say._..I think you might be right on the money."

Beside Shepard, Tali nodded enthusiastically. “I can believe that. He’s trying to get his feelings out!” She took another drink through her straw, waving hand to accentuate her point as she swallowed her mouthful. “He misses you."

The statement stopped Shepard in her tracks. Sure, she’d talked through her relationship problems with Kasumi and Tali of course was aware of her history with Kaidan, but it was a situation she’d prevented herself from outright thinking about too much.  There had been too many more important things to think about, and after Horizon thinking about anything to do with Kaidan for an extended period of time had just made her feel lonely and unhappy. "I don't know about that, Tali. It's been two years for him."

Tali shook her head. "I saw how he looked at you on the SR1. I saw how your death broke him. That was not something brief, two years or not." She gestured back to the stage. "Just listen to those lyrics!"

  _'M_ _usic, you made me hear, such music,_ _w_ _ithout you here to guide me,_ _I fear my soul will fly away...'_

Shepard flicked her gaze towards him again. There _was_ something else to his performance. Here Kaidan was, emotionally singing his way through a heartfelt ballad to a song he must have associated with her. Shepard knew the song was reaching its final verse, and was amazed to see Kaidan's eyes were shining, as if they had filled with unshed tears. Maybe it was just the low lighting in the bar. Surely that was it. 

Then again...

_'_ _Sorry, that's the word I want to sing to you, t_ _he other word is "Stay", t_ _o hear the_ _love_ _I meant to say.'_

Shepard had heard Kaidan sing before, and knew it wasn't any issues with his skill that made his voice slightly shake as he said _'stay'_. It was almost like he was pleading, and when he hit the last few notes, his voice took on a sweet quality that went straight through Shepard's heart. For a moment he sighed to himself before leaving the stage amid a very heathy dose of applause. 

Kasumi wrapped a hand elegantly around her glass. "So Shep, what's the plan?"

What _was_ the plan? Escape to somewhere else and try not to entertain the notion of what might have happened should he have spotted her? Ignore him and continue to have a few drinks, blocking him out? Risk him seeing her, and not getting the reaction she was hoping for?

Or – the answer was obvious considering where they were – she could reply in kind. 

Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was the guilt of Horizon, maybe it was her secret desperation to interact with Kaidan again in some way, but he _had_ just bared his soul onstage, singing for a woman he didn't even know was present. She could do something similar, send some kind of message to him through song – even as she internally grimaced at how fanciful it sounded, like something out of an old vid. She reached for the song catalogue, and Kasumi grinned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song credit: "The Love I Meant To Say" from the fictional musical 'Hit List', in the TV show 'Smash'.


	2. Time After Time

Kaidan traced his fingers around the top of his glass. He didn't feel better, if anything, singing that song – that particular song – has just heightened his storm of emotions rather than letting them out. Damnit. Sure, it had been nice to let go and express himself, but now he was left with an empty feeling as well as the guilt and regret that had fueled him earlier. His thoughts turned back to Shepard, as they tended to do at every opportunity. Was she alright? Was she really working for Cerberus? Could it really be her, after two years? How could he begin to piece all this together and make sense of it all? 

Shepard had seemed real, and fit in his arms like before. But she said she'd been dead and resurrected. Bullshit, no one could just come back from the dead like that. Medical tech was advancing and they could do amazing things with even barely alive tissue, but death? Couldn't cure that.  

It hadn't taken long for his anger at her to simmer down into an empty, lonely exasperation. He had, after all, wished and prayed for this moment in the months after her death – that she had somehow been saved and been in recovery, that there was some last minute miracle and she'd come back to him. Now it had happened, and he'd all but spat in the face of his greatest hope. He just couldn't believe it or that Shepard was working for Cerberus.  

But then again, he hadn't really let her explain anything, had he? 

It really was no surprise that she'd not responded to his email. So in a fit of melancholy, and everything reminding him of her, he'd come here, to her well-kept secret. Karaoke, and music in general, had always been one of her absolute loves. The fierce, avenging angel Commander Shepard, who sang in the shower and danced to music on her omnitool. Who liked to listen to every genre, but had a special soft spot for classic Earth rock and, though no one would ever believe him, musical theatre.  

He took another drink as a familiar melody came over the sound system, and he recognised the strains of an Earth classic that reminded him of her. He knew he could leave at any time, he wasn't on duty until the next evening, but he was content to let himself wallow in pity, music and beer for a little longer. 

Then he identified the voice that accompanied it with a start. _'_ _Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick and I think of you, caught up in circles_ _,_ _confusion is nothing new_ _...'_  

Sitting bolt upright, he turned his head slowly to glance at the stage and saw _her_. In some crazy twist of fate, it was Shepard who was under the lights, focused on the words on her omnitool even though Kaidan knew she didn't need to be. She'd hummed his tune many a time as she worked on the SR1, softly sung when it had come up in a vid they'd watched together. He was staring openly now as Shepard sang, looking tense and nervous. Her eyes flicked up and met his and he suddenly was struck with the thought that she was trying not to look at him, but was trying to catch his attention at the same time.  

She must have seen him...Kaidan felt heat climb up his neck. She'd seen him sing. And while that wasn't so bad in itself, she'd also seen him attempt to emotionally let go through a song he knew she loved. She was looking at him more now, as she slowly lowered her arm and gave up the pretense of being guided by the lyrics.      

 _'_ _Sometimes you picture me, I’m walking too far ahead, you’re calling to me_ _,_ _I can’t hear what you’ve said, then you say go slow, I fall behind_ _...'_  

There was another meaningful glance in his direction. Was she...was she talking to him? She was trying to meet his eyes as much as she could without it looking like she was just outright staring at him and drawing attention to their, what? Connection? Conversation? Was that was this was? 

 _'_ _If you’re lost you can look and you will find me, time after time, if you fall I will catch you I’ll be waiting, time after time_ _...'_  

Staring at her, hearing the emotion in her voice and the sincerity behind the lyrics, Kaidan knew instinctively that this was no clone or Cerberus trick. It was her. How exactly, he didn't know and didn't want to entertain wild theories right now, but it was her. He'd been with her just before she'd died, heard some of her last moments before she went out of range – strangled panicked breaths that haunted his nightmares – and had attended her memorial. She'd died, he was sure of it (as were his numerous psych evaluations) and yet here she was, baring herself to him through song.  

Somehow that just made him all the more sure it was truly her.  

No way some imposter would be able to do this.  

 _'After my picture fades, and darkness has turned to grey, watching_ _through_ _windows, you're wondering if I'm okay.._ _.'_  

She looked at him again on that line. Yes, he was wondering if she was okay. Every spare moment of every day since their meeting on Horizon.  

 _'Secrets stolen from deep_ _inside..."_ Her voice was quieter, her eyes downcast for a moment as she shrugged. ' _..._ _t_ _he_ _drum beats out of time...'_  

Kaidan blinked. Has she seriously just answered him using the lyrics of the song? He couldn't deny that 'secrets stolen' made some kind of sense, and as for the drum beating out of time – it was like being out of place. Was she trying to tell him that she was coping but not really okay?  

 _'_ _If you’re lost you can look and you will find me, time after time_ _...'_ She was looking right at him for that one. Like she was trying to make sure he understood. If he needed her, she was there. Even working for – no, working _with_ – Cerberus, she was still on his side. _'I_ _f_ _you fall_ _,_ _I will catch you_ _,_ _I’ll be waiting, time after time_ _...'_ No matter what had happened on Horizon when they'd last met, she still had his back. Even after he'd called her a traitor and said all those horrible things, was it possible she'd forgiven him? 

As the song drew to a close, Shepard stepped lightly off the stage to an enthusiastic round of applause from the seated patrons. Kaidan watched as she headed towards a booth near the back where the lights were lower and saw two figures reach out to greet her. One he immediately recognized as Tali – thank god Shepard had trusted back-up – but the one he didn't know suddenly looked straight at him and gestured surreptitiously to her omnitool. As she did so, Kaidan's pinged with an incoming message.  

 _Anything you'd like to say to_ _Shep_ _, lover-boy? Make the next one count._  

Kaidan thought about asking how she'd pinged him, but decided that if he knew Shepard, she was bound to have someone on her team that could do it in a heartbeat. Best not to wonder. He was drawn from his train of thought by the bartender, who poured him another drink and nodded to the booth. "This one's from the lady in the hood." 

He raised the glass towards the same unknown figure with Shepard and she nodded. He watched Shepard for a few moments, trying to decide what was the best course of action. It was clear Shepard's companion expected him to reply to her, but with what? What did he want to try and say to her? What was it important for her to know? 

Shepard met his eyes and Kaidan's breath caught. And with a sudden spark of inspiration, he turned back to the catalogue to pick his song. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song credit: "Time After Time" by Cyndi Lauper


	3. The Search Is Over

Shepard sat down heavily, only half-listening to Tali's compliments. Her mind was on the biotic at the bar – had he understood? She'd always be there for him, it didn't matter what colours she was (temporarily) associated with. She would always be his...as if he'd want her anymore, she thought bitterly. Still. She didn't think a night had passed since she woke up where Kaidan wasn't somewhere in her dreams. For her, their relationship had only just started but for him...it had been as dead as her, she supposed. She couldn't reasonably expect him to still have any of those feelings for her, as much as she wanted to go back to that familiarity, that completeness.  

The turian onstage was doing a very passable rendition of an old Queen song (Earth songs were popular tonight, it seemed), and Shepard watched him lazily for a few seconds. She glanced towards the bar and found Kaidan staring at her. As she held his gaze, she watched him come to some kind of decision and suddenly turn away. _Damn,_ Shepard thought, _g_ _u_ _ess I didn't get through to him like I_ _hoped_ _I had_...before realising he'd turned away to request another song from the catalogue before him. She blinked in surprise. He was going to sing _again_? She couldn't help but feel an anxious flutter of excitement as she wondered what he'd chosen. Something for her? Another message?           

She had to wait for two more performers before Kaidan got himself up from his seat and walked purposefully towards the small stage. The opening notes of the song were instantly familiar – he'd chosen a favourite of hers. And he knew, didn't he? Shepard felt her heart skip a beat. He'd _remembered_ from the SR1 that she liked this song; it was too much of a perfect coincidence for it to have been pure chance that he chose it without recalling what it meant to her.  

_'Ho_ _w can I convince you what you see is real? Who am I to blame you for doubting_ _what_ _you feel_ _?_ _I was always_ _reachin', you were just a girl I knew, I took for granted the friend I have_ _in you_ _...'_  

Kaidan was staring towards the booth where she was. To most others it probably looked like he was staring into the middle distance, but Shepard could feel his eyes on her. Shepard felt her mouth go dry as she met his eyes. He was smiling at her, and this time there was no doubt in her mind that he was speaking directly to her, using the song to convince her that he was sincere - that he was, as it were, trying to convince her that _this_ was real. After her own nervous performance, it was clear that he was using this song to express himself just as she had, without trying to hide it from her.  

_'Taking on_ _the_ _world, that was just my style..._ _Now I look into your eyes, I can see forever, the search is over, you were with me all the while_ _...'_  

Kasumi and Tali were looking between them, whispering to one another, but Shepard couldn't take her eyes off Kaidan to tell them off. Even the half-full glass in her grip seemed to fade away as she lost herself in the moment, watching the man she thought she'd lost pour his heart out to her onstage. He looked so tired, but so genuine as his eyes seemed to plead with her to listen, to believe him – like this was another apology.  She did though, even without his needing to be so direct. She knew that her association with Cerberus, her coming back from the dead and being out of his life for two years – two years in which he'd clearly mourned and fallen apart before slowly and painfully building himself back up – wasn't just something that could be easily dismissed and forgotten. It was an issue between them, and one that would have to be dealt with at some point – though dealing with it through understanding and empathy was far better than the alternative. Shepard hoped tonight would go towards that.   

_'Can we last forever? Will we fall apart?_ _'_ Kaidan seemed to be genuinely asking. Shepard knew that she shouldn't keep overly-interpreting this flight of fantasy, if that was what it was, but she was sure there wasn't any other way to interpret Kaidan's open face and genuine emotions. _'_ _At times it's so confusing, the questions of the heart...'_  

Was he as unsure as her right now? Not knowing where either one stood in regards to their past, and fearing taking the first step because of their situation? It wasn't like they could suddenly reconcile right now, not when the Collectors needed dealing with and the Alliance was all but happy to brand her a terrorist. She'd never put him in that position. It made this – whatever it was between them – all the more problematic right now.  

_'_ _You followed me through changes and patiently you’d wait,_ _til_ _I came to my senses through some miracle of fate_ _...'_ He grinned at her and she laughed to herself. Now that just sounded like he was admitting being such an ass on Horizon. Came to his senses indeed! It certainly seemed like whatever he'd been thinking on Horizon had shifted and changed. All the animosity seemed to be gone, and he looked to be genuinely expressing himself to her tonight. If nothing had changed, he wouldn't have sent the email, and he would have promptly left when he'd seen her.  

But not only had he stayed, he'd been game enough to sing for her, this time knowing she was there.  

_'_ _Then good luck it_ _finally struck,_ _like_ _lightening_ _from the blue, every_ _highway's_ _leading me back to you...'_ She couldn't help but nod at him in agreement. The fact that against all odds, they were both here tonight, in the same small bar, was nearly impossible when thought about. They were working with different organizations; and they had no way to even know if they'd both be on the Citadel at the same time – let alone with a coinciding night off. Then to choose this place? It really did feel like some kind of fate. There were too many variables for it to be coincidence.  

Shepard felt a shiver run through her. _'_ _T_ _he_ _search has come full_ _circle,_ _o_ _ur_ _destinies are one_ _'_ _._ Did he really think that, or were the lyrics painting him into a corner by making him seemingly say something that wasn't true for him? But, he'd held her gaze intensely through the line so she didn’t think he disagreed with the sentiment. ' _So_ _if you ever loved me_ _,_ _show me that you give a damn, you’ll know for certain the man I really am_ _...'_  

"I'd say that was a fairly straightforward invitation, Shepard," Kasumi grinned at her. 

So, he wanted some sign from her, was that it? Shepard's lips quirked in a small smile at the thought. Kaidan was giving her the opportunity to express how she felt about him and their...situation, in a fairly clear invitation. Well, if she was honest with herself, and the constant thought that kept her up at night was doing its best to make her so...it was obvious and had been the whole time.  

Of course she still loved him. She'd been in love with him since the SR1, and never had a chance to tell him those three little words before they had been attacked over Alchera. Their relationship had been so new, but she'd known quickly that he was her soulmate and always had been. There was something deeper about how she felt about Kaidan, almost as if it wasn't just a feeling but a core part of her. She'd fallen in love with him, and in doing so had come home. He made her want to be a better person, want to reach new heights and at the same time, wanted him to always be the person she woke next to. His easy-going support of her; in ridiculous endeavors, life-threatening missions and just quietly when she needed it emotionally was something she never realised she'd been missing until he came into her life.  

"It's just a song?" Shepard muttered, avoiding the gaze of her two friends.  

"Ha!" Tali planted her glass on the table with a decided _thunk_. "Not to him it's not. That much is glaringly obvious, he's pouring out his heart to you, Shepard." She shared a glance with Kasumi before continuing. "I'd say it's pretty clear he still feels something for you. _Strongly_." 

"I do hope you're going to tell him," Kasumi grinned, signaling a waitress for more drinks. 

Shepard tried to reply but ended up sighing in frustration. Was this really the right time? She didn't want to complicate things between them further by going all-out if Kaidan wasn't ready, or if it pushed him further away – just when they seemed to be making some kind of odd progress in communication. It could freak him out, just be too much when they were taking such small steps, too much of an emotional bombshell. Yet at the same time... there was a possibility this could be the last time she saw him. There was a reason, after all, that the mission through the Omega-4 relay was being called a 'suicide mission' onboard the _Normandy_. And with their careers too, she considered, Kaidan could ship out the next morning on another mission behind enemy lines, in danger's gaze...there was no way to know when they would see each other again. Tonight could be her last chance to be utterly, unfalteringly honest with Kaidan before the unknown stretched before them. Wasn't it better to be honest, to be open, in case the chance was taken from her? It was a heartbreaking thought, and one she refused to put much stock in, but it did strengthen her resolve.  

She'd been given this opportunity. She needed to tell him. 

Kasumi pushed a drink into her hand. "Take heart, Shep. One of you needs to take that leap of faith first. If we're right, he'll be there to catch you." 

Shepard knew, even as she closed her eyes to banish the dark thoughts of potential futures, that if she walked away from here tonight without letting him know, she would always regret it, always worry that she had missed her chance. Her feelings towards him wouldn't change before the Omega-4 relay, and if she didn't come back she owed it to him – for everything he'd ever been to her and maybe could be again – to tell him he was loved.  There were, of course, a billion love songs that could get that across, but it had to be the right one, she decided firmly. Nothing overly fluffy or melancholic, or dramatic. What she needed was something sweet and simple to sincerely express herself, a song that could be open and comfortable in what was about to be a serious confession. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song credit: "The Search Is Over" by Survivor


	4. Something In The Water

She'd smiled at him, Kaidan thought as he sat back down at the bar. She'd laughed with him and seemingly been very open to his singing directly to her. She'd seemed to like his performance, so maybe things were looking up between them? He ordered another drink and willed his rapidly beating heart to calm – he hoped she'd caught the invitation he was offering her. Please let her say something in return, or sing something, or give him something! Anything! 

He looked towards the darkened booth at the back of the bar. Shepard appeared to be looking through the catalogue again, which could be promising, but the hooded woman caught his gaze and gave him a thumbs up under the edge of the table and out of Shepard's field of vision. Kaidan had no idea if she knew any of the truth to what was going on, but he guessed she did, out as she was with Shepard and Tali. Kaidan decided he liked her, and from her easygoing posture and friendly gestures with Shepard it was clear they were close friends. At least she had friends with her, Kaidan thought. Not just Cerberus lackeys and crewmembers. 

He nodded to the woman and glanced beside her to where Tali was silently applauding him over Shepard's head. He grinned at her and raised his glass in her direction. 

If he was being honest with himself, Kaidan knew what he wanted. In the universe where he made the rules, he and Shepard would leave together tonight and go somewhere alone, away from Cerberus and the Alliance, away from everyone and everything that was stopping them. And he'd confess everything to her, beg her forgiveness, weep to have her back in his arms and they would make up for lost time. 

But that was a dream. 

Kaidan was nothing if not pragmatic. She had her mission, he had his assignment. Neither one could simply be abandoned, and if they left together tonight he'd never let her go back. He'd never let her go again. Shepard was doing something for the good of everyone – as usual – and he couldn't keep her from doing her moral duty. He knew she wouldn't want be torn between him and mission, either.  So for now his best option was to keep his distance but try to express to her how he still felt. He wasn't sure how much more expressive he could be without getting blatant, and blatant would require invasion of her personal space, which didn't seem like a good idea to him right now. 

He hoped that in the cold light of day he wouldn't regret that. 

A few nerve wracking songs later, Kaidan's eye caught movement and he spied Shepard calmly making her way between the tables and towards the stage. The music that came on to greet her was upbeat, catching him by surprise. People around him began tapping various appendages in time with the bouncy, almost folksy, rhythm. It was so unexpected from her, but the sweet, simple melody was infectious and he couldn't help but smile. 

Shepard seemed to glow as she sang, enjoying herself wholly. It was such a departure from the serious commander she was known to be, and from the vulnerable woman Kaidan had seen on Horizon.  _'I wear a_ _demeano_ _r made_ _of bright pretty things, what she_ _wears_ _, what she wears, what she_ _wears._ _Birds singing on my shoulder, in harmony it seems_ _..._ ' She was  _smiling_ as she sang, a true brilliant smile and Kaidan felt his breath catch in his throat. Had it really been years since he'd seen that smile grace her face and brighten the room? Or heard her laughter? He was suddenly transported back to Vancouver, to the short amount of shore leave they'd spent together. She'd been so happy, simply put. She'd laughed and had a light in her eyes for him alone, and they'd been silly and sappy together and enjoyed one another's company. 

The woman before him seemed to be cut from the same cloth. She was immersing herself in the upbeat tempo and he found himself staring at the Shepard he'd first fallen for, the secret lighthearted red-headed woman who cared deeply and smiled often. The one who was underneath the armour of the hardened Commander Shepard. _'_ _I'll pretend that it's_ _no thing_ _,_ _that skip my heart when I think_ _,_ _a_ _re_ _you_ _t_ _hinking of me babe_ _...'_

She winked at him when she'd said 'babe' - a long unused endearment she'd had for him. And her next words had lifted a weight from his shoulders even as she smiled broadly when she said them.

  _'_ _..._ _I'm crazy over you_ _...'_

It was almost like she was laughing at herself, admitting something so vulnerable in front of a group of strangers, through song, at a bar on the Citadel. Kaidan had to admit the situation was odd at the very least, but it had provided them the opportunity to have this conversation (if that's what this could truly be called).  _'_ _There's something in the water, that makes me love you like_ _...'_ Kaidan actually laughed aloud to hear the confession he yearned to hear teased before him thanks to the song's lyric structure, as Shepard effortlessly moved onto the next verse, leaving the line unfinished. 

She was almost glowing beneath the sparse stage lighting as she sang. Each note was effortless, each word genuine as she wove a light and relaxed performance which had lightened the overall mood in the bar. There were smiles on many of the patrons watching, and the bar-turian was swaying his head in time with the beat. It was like Shepard had cast a spell over their small corner of the Citadel and taken away any strains and stresses of the outside world. 

_'Give me something fun to do, like a life of loving you, kiss me quick now baby, I'm still crazy over you...'_

There was no doubt that she was looking at him, genuinely expressing that yes, a life of loving him would be fun. Loving him. She...was using this song as a confession?  _'There's_ _something in the water that makes me love you like I do...'_

As the song drew to a close, Shepard kept her eyes on Kaidan. _'...that makes me love you like I do, do, do...'_ Each simple note of 'do' acted as a further confirmation to Kaidan. 

She still loved him. 

She's hadn't just loved him before, or re-discovered their spark this night,  _she'd never stopped._

Kaidan wanted to laugh aloud and sweep her off her feet – but he restrained himself even as he felt his throat tighten and the edge of joyous tears prick at his eyes.  _She still loved him._ Going to her right now, throwing tables and chairs aside to feel her in his arms once more... was nothing more than fancy. They both had reputations and jobs to do, and causing a scene in a bar wouldn't help anyone. Besides, their private lives weren't anyone else's business. 

It was clear Shepard was thinking something similar, as she stepped off stage to cheers and simply made her way beck to her table, smiling all the way, rather than making her way to Kaidan. Always the pragmatist, Kaidan considered. She knew as well as he did what they'd risk to make a scene right now. At least this way it would just be a story of a really good performer, rather than some romantic reconciliation where the identities of those involved would be highly sought after information. 

As Kaidan struggled to keep the dopey grin on his face from overwhelming his features, his omitool pinged with incoming mail. 

_Shepard is worried she's taken it too far,_  the message read.  _But I_ _'ve never seen her look so happy._

No, not too far – not to him. Kaidan could never have guessed that his self-absorbed evening out to indulge in some moping would have ever, ever turned out like this. It was like something out of fiction, from a fanciful romance vid, but he couldn't be happier. Shepard could have just gone when she'd seen him, she could have told him to go jump off the Citadel. But she'd done something Kaidan had never expected – revealed herself, heart on her sleeve, and so openly declared her feelings. 

And there was no way this was an act. Kaidan knew Kira, knew her shy smile when she was admitting something that was deeply private, seen the nervousness in her eyes as she'd looked at him and openly stated she loved him. He felt light as air. 

_Shepard is worried she's taken it too far_ _._

So she thought she'd overstepped. Well, Kaidan knew just what he could do to ease her worry – answer her in kind. If she was going to take the chance to be so open to him, the very least he could do was return the favour. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song credit: "Something In The Water" by Brooke Fraser


	5. Without Question

She felt like a teenager! A ridiculous notion, really, Shepard thought and she tried to calmly walk offstage and back to the booth Kasumi and Tali were excitedly encouraging her towards. She felt hot and cold, terrified yet elated. She'd just overtly admitted something to Kaidan, herself...and the room at large. She didn't really know quite how to feel – had she freed herself or just sealed her fate? 

Then again...Kaidan had laughed, smiled broadly and a light had come into his eyes. Even the little pessimistic voice in her head couldn't deny that appeared to be an overtly positive reaction to her confession. She'd stood alone and vulnerable, and told him she still loved him. 

And he'd smiled, that open and clear smile she recalled so well, where his eyes lit up and he looked happier than should be possible. She's dreamed about seeing that again. 

So what now? She knew she couldn't just run to him and cause a scene, but neither could she sneak him back to the Normandy. Hell, it was likely they couldn't even be seen leaving together – just on the off chance someone saw them and used it to their advantage for some reason. Sometimes she hated her duty and the rules that bound her – but not as much as she hated the association she was forced to keep at this moment and what that could mean for Kaidan, still serving with the Alliance. It had been so difficult to not go straight to him after her, er, performance, but now she'd taken a leap of faith it was time to see if he'd catch her like Kasumi thought. 

"I watched him, Shep," the master thief was saying. "As soon as you started mentioning being crazy over him, his whole posture changed. Surely you saw that too from your optimal vantage point?"

Halfway through another mouthful of blessedly relaxing alcohol, Shepard shook her head. She'd seen some of Kaidan's reaction, but other moments had been obscured by the lights in in her eyes; such as the small stage lighting was. 

Kasumi drummed her hands on the table before her in excitement as Tali leaned towards her conspiratorially. "Shepard, he was beaming! It almost looked like he was restraining himself from running over to you."

Shepard blushed, dropping her head down. "I'm sure it wasn't quite that extreme, Tali. I mean, it was impulsive of me to even sing something so stupidly romantic, I probably made him more uncomfortable..." Yet even as her words died in her throat, she knew what she'd seen. Feeling completely unlike the so-called fearsome Commander Shepard, she snuck a glance towards the bar and found Kaidan staring at her with an adorable dopey grin on his face. After a moment, her view was obscured by a human waitress, who placed a drink in front of her. 

"From the dark-haired gentleman at the bar, ma'am."

Shepard nodded her thanks and raised the glass to Kaidan, who raised his own in return. Taking a curious mouthful, Shepard realized he'd ordered her favourite, top-shelf spiced rum. He'd _remembered her exact preference_ _;_ he really did still care and was telling her so via his gift. 

She turned back to find her two companions overcome by dopey grins of their own. Tali was, unsurprisingly nearly bouncing in excitement and Kasumi had a genuine look of bemusement on her face. Shepard suddenly considered that this was probably how normal girl friends spent their time together, having actual fun and getting excited over romantic notions from admirers. Not running for their lives across the galaxy. 

"What do you think he'll do next?" Kasumi asked in a hushed tones. "He should come and sweep you off your feet – if you weren't back until tomorrow I'd make sure no one asked too many questions..." She raised an eyebrow and Shepard sighed. 

"Look, I'll be honest," she said quietly, tracing her finger around the edge of her drink from Kaidan. She sighed again, feeling like an emotionally confused woman rather than a famous Commander. "Yes, Kasumi. I'd like nothing more than to walk out of here with Kaidan and maybe not go back to the Normandy for the next _week_. But," she said, holding up a hand to stop Kasumi's interjection, "you both know it's not that simple. Both he and I recognize that."

Tali nodded sadly as Kasumi threw herself back into the cushions of the booth. "Urgh, responsibilities. How unfair."

Beside her, the quarian suddenly straightened and frantically gestured towards the stage. "Shepard! Kaidan's..."

She didn't even finish her sentence before Shepard had whipped around, heart in her throat. Sure enough, Kaidan was overly-nonchalantly walking towards the small stage. Embarrassingly, she felt her pulse quicken. What was going to happen here? What song was he going to give her in return for her admission? 

As he turned to face the room, eyes on her, and the first strains of the song began, Shepard unintentionally clasped a hand over her mouth. She knew this song; knew it's themes and she felt tears come unbidden to her eyes at what Kaidan was about to 'say' to her. 

_'The more I learn, the more I see, the less the world_ _impassion_ _s_ _me. The hungry heart, the roving eye, have come to rest, do not apply...'_

The song was gentle, sweet and simple, and his voice was effortless and smooth. It was a song he'd introduced her to, a romantic Earth song by an old rock-pop pianist. When he'd done so – aware of the confessional nature of the lyrics – he'd not mentioned then to her or drawn her attention to the words, just had the song on a music list while they'd spent time together. Shepard had since found it and listened to it more than once privately, the happy tone tempered by the melancholy memory of the man it reminded her of. Now this new memory eclipsed all that. 

 _'_ _I’d believe in anything were it not for you, showing me by just existing all of this is true_ _...'_ His eyes bore into hers, as he smiled softly at her, eyes shining, willing her to understand. He needn't have worried, she knew what he was trying to tell her. He'd still be considering any random rumour, any misinformation that came through Alliance channels if he'd not seen her tonight. He could still be believing the worst about her and her Cerberus association, or entertain the possibility that she was just some Cerberus trick. But instead she'd appeared before him and just been...her. Wholly and openly, the Shepard he remembered and the one he fell in love with, impossible to recreate or impersonate.

The same Shepard that had haunted him, if Garrus was to be believed. She'd stood in front of him just as herself, alive and here. 

 _All of this is true._ This moment, this coincidence, this serendipitous situation was real. No dream, no fantasy, she really was here in the same bar as him and had professed her love for him, and in return he had finally known the truth of how she felt – how she'd always felt. 

She'd come back from death itself, and was still his. 

  _'_ _I love you_ _...'_ Kaidan sang quietly, just for her. _'_ _I love you, without question, I love you_ _...'_

Shepard felt her whole body warm, a heady rush that almost overcame her with an odd mixture of pleasure and relief. Hearing Kaidan actually say those words crystalized the moment, and everything fell away for that brief second. 

_Without question._

Across the table, Kasumi and Tali broke into excited whispering to one another, but Shepard paid them no mind. She was entranced by the figure on the stage, who had stepped up to expose himself emotionally just as she had only a few songs before. Here he was admitting his feelings to her openly and sincerely, teetering on the edge of making a fool of himself just for her.

She couldn't have _dreamed_ this. Her own mind wasn't nearly that fanciful. 

After two years, he still loved her. Although she shuddered to think what it must have been like for him; to never let her go even when faced with her death, she felt her heart fill and the tears pricking at her eyes threatened to fall. She was so overwhelmed with relief, with love, with the fact that the man she thought she'd lost forever still loved her _after all this time_ and the mess that was their Horizon meeting.  

_'_ _The line is drawn, the change is made, I come to you_ _...I'm not afrai_ _d...'_

"You really aren't, are you?" Shepard whispered, even though her rational mind knew he couldn't hear her question. She _knew_ , he wasn't – in his posture, his tone, his gestures all spoke of openness and of someone who had left his fear of the unknown behind. Truly, he was coming before her, no longer caught up in her Cerberus ties or where she had been for the past two years. The feeling to her was liberating. All the fears she'd held were also fading fast.

Was this possible? Could they somehow be together?

Yes.

But not yet.

Right now it was impossible. She had a job to do with Cerberus, and though Kaidan seemed now to be understanding of her situation, there was no way he'd join her or the Alliance would grant him such an request. There was also no way she'd take him into the unknown for what was being referred to as a 'suicide mission'. She couldn't do that to him.

So she'd just have to survive her mission, then. She owed it to Kaidan to come back and talk about this, decide what path they wanted to take and go from there. Not admit her feelings in a bar and then never see him again. Besides, she didn't think his heart could take it...again. Looking at him singing for her as he poured himself into the song, she didn’t want to be responsible for taking away the light in his eyes and the joyous expression on his face. Garrus had told her enough of his reaction after Alchera – and Shepard knew there might be no coming back from it if Kaidan had to go through it all over again. Especially after she'd made her own fanciful admission. 

Even though Shepard knew her own return wasn't guaranteed, under the dim lights of the bar she made a vow – to return through the Omega 4 relay, to home, and to Kaidan.          

_'I love you. Without question, I_ _lov_ _e_ _you...'_

"Shepard," Tali started gently, "I know that we don't want to move to preserve this moment, but it is getting late and you wanted to ship out once we got back."

Shepard sighed, dropping her gaze from where she'd been watching Kaidan lightly make his way back to the bar, smiling happily and trying not to stare at her. Tali was, unfortunately, right. No matter the emotional tone of the evening or the revelations that had happened thus far, she did have a life and mission outside the bar. The _Normandy_ was in dock and had been finishing up resupply as she left, so she told Joker she'd be a few hours and they'd leave when they got back once the shifts changed.

Those few hours were drawing to a close. 

So how was this to end? She glanced towards the bar again and saw Kaidan staring at her, love so clear in his eyes. He looked like some adorable lovestruck teenager. What was she to do? Wave goodbye as she left without another word, as she knew anything more would be too hard? Continue this – whatever this was – by omnitool message, forcing herself to use her own words and knowing that Cerberus could be spying? No, but she'd try and figure out some way to contact him privately after she was back on the _Normandy_. Should she go actually talk to him?

She was so tempted. But, she also recognised the danger of such a move. If she sat herself in close proximity to him, felt the touch of his hand on hers and stared into those beautiful eyes, could she really bring herself to leave?

Probably not. 

"One more song," Kasumi said softly. "A parting gift; he's clever enough to know that you can't stay. You said that yourself."

Shepard nodded thoughtfully as Tali sighed wistfully. "This is so romantic."                         


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song credit: "Without Question" by Elton John, from the soundtrack of the animated film 'The Road To El Dorado'.


	6. Someday Out Of The Blue

Kaidan felt elated. 

Light as air, finally laying to rest the emotional turmoil he'd been carrying with him, and come to a conclusion and confession that were as easy as breathing. He'd caught her face lighting up at the beginning of the song and couldn't help but stare at her throughout his performance as she smiled and laughed, and stared at him adoringly. The woman beneath the mask. 

She was so beautiful. 

But was this what they'd do now? Just...sing to one another? And how long could she stay, anyway? Cerberus may not be her master but they sure provided the resources, and that meant they could make more than a few calls when it came to what they wanted...and they'd not let her idle all her time away in a bar. It was getting late, after all. Late enough that the logical part of Kaidan's mind thought he needed to go home soon or risk one of two things.

Not getting enough sleep for his duties tomorrow.

Or, never leaving this bar in the hope that she'd stay too and this would continue forever. 

Neither was a good option, but Kaidan knew he needed her to make that call. He couldn't walk away from her, not when she was so close and had professed what he'd long to hear. He wouldn't be the one to leave first – but if she made her goodbye, well, that might make the pain of watching her walk away a little bit easier. Better than forcing her through it. 

He considered going over to the booth to actually talk to her, but doubted he'd get any words out. Kaidan felt exhausted and elated being in the same room as her right now, chances were that any closer proximity and he'd become a gibbering mess of emotions as his heart, mind and nether regions all tried to talk to her at once. Not that she hadn't see that before, but he still had a tiny shred of dignity left somewhere...and this was a public bar. Couldn't be sure who was watching. 

Watching...urgh, Cerberus. A sour feeling settled over him briefly as he realized that thanks to what was bound to be some impressively sophisticated surveillance equipment, it was unlikely that he could get any messages to Shepard on board the Normandy. He idly wondered if she'd ever got his email, maybe someone in Cerbeus had decided not to put it through. 

It would be so easy to walk over, though...

As he tried to gather the courage to do so, Shepard slowly stood and made her way towards the stage. She moved slowly, as if willing the journey to be longer, but her steps were measured and strong. She looked over to him as the song's introduction began and he could clearly see the anguish in her eyes, even though her face was relaxed. She took a deep breath, and Kaidan implicitly knew what was going on.

She was saying goodbye. 

He felt his heart twist. Okay, so he'd know that this evening had to come to an end, but still. The realization made his heart ache to know that they would soon go their separate ways and suddenly they'd be apart again. Who knew when he'd see her again – weeks, months? Years?

Shepard's clear voice broke through his thoughts. 

_'Some_ _day_ _out of the blue, in a crowded street, or a deserted square, I’ll turn and I’ll see you, as if our love were new, someday we can start again, someday soon.’_                          

Kaidan sat upright as the obvious message sunk in. Yes, she wanted him, she wanted this. But it couldn't be now, and she would wait for him until the time was right. Someday soon, they'd have their chance.

She had a mission to finish, after all, and a crew to command. She couldn't drop everything like a character in some melodrama and run away with him, no matter how much they loved one another. And he'd never begrudge her that, it was just other part of her that he loved. But when she'd returned from whatever it was she was doing for...doing  _with_ Cerberus, maybe they could start over. He could take her out somewhere and start by catching up, filling in all the lost time. 

_‘Not so long ago, seems like eternity…’_  Wasn’t that the truth? So much had happened in such a short space of time and even though they’d found each other only a few years ago, all that had happened had shrouded that time in shadow. It was still recent memory, but felt like eons ago. Eons ago that they had been happy and shared a few snatched months together, time that had been cut short by tragedy over Alchera. 

_‘Those sweet afternoons, still capture me…_ ’ She had a wistful smile on her face, and Kaidan was immediately reminded of his email to her, when he’d mentioned their night together before Ilos and how much it had meant to him. He was sure now that it  _had_  meant as much to her, and that maybe it even played on her mind as much as it played on his…

The sight of her above him, breathless and wanton in passion. The feeling of her, warm skin against him and the soft touch of her lips on his neck. The way her hands gripped him as he gave all of himself to her and she paid him back in kind. The vulnerable and sincere look in her eyes.

He could be doing something completely insignificant or unrelated, and suddenly, images of her would just come to him unbidden. Shepard smiling at him; laughing at something he said; waking up with her draped over his chest; her hand in his. Whenever it would happen, he’d have to take a deep, calming breath and try push it aside to focus on whatever was before him. In private, the thoughts would become more encompassing and harder to push away and numerous times Kaidan had surrendered himself to the memories of her. 

_‘_ _I still believe,’_ Shepard sang, honesty naked in her eyes.  _‘I still have faith in us. We had it all, and watched it slip away.’_  Kaidan’s heart twisted as her eyes filled with tears. They had had it  _taken_  from them, he would argue, but either way the result was the same. Everything that they’d thought they could see stretching before them had slipped from them in an instant and nothing had been the same.

He’d never really stopped to consider what had, for her, been the dissolution of a relationship without her being aware. It must have felt like one day, everything was fine, and the next…she’d lost him, and was alone. Kaidan considered what that must have felt like for a moment, and only found unfathomable emptiness. 

_‘Where are we now? Not where we want to be…’_  Their paths had led them so far from one another…and then back to here, where this magical night had been possible. But her song was right; they weren’t where they wanted to be, and it was upsetting to them both. Right now there was no freedom to be together, no way to make it work. There were other responsibilities and missions in their way, regulations and command structures. They were, for all intents and purposes, on different sides of the galaxy.

In more ways than one.  

_‘Maybe years from now, or tomorrow night, I’ll turn and I’ll see you, as if we always knew, someday we would live again, someday soon.’_  She was making him a promise, that she would find him again after all this was over and she was free to be with him. Not as Commander Shepard, but just as Kira. And implicitly, Kaidan knew it didn’t matter how long she would have to look for him, she’d not give up. She’d find him somehow, just like her song was saying, and together they would live again. 

Simply, it couldn’t happen yet.

Kaidan hated that they were both mature and experienced enough to recognise that, but she was making him a promise. He nodded slowly at her, willing her to understand that he’d make the same oath, to find her again when the time was right for them. 

_'I still believe, I still have faith in us...'_ Kaidan mouthed the repeated lyrics along with her, to let her know he believed the same. Yes, he had faith that after everything they'd been through, every hell they'd traversed together, every argument and hurtful word they'd thrown, that she was his one and only. He felt incomplete without her, and even thought admitting that to himself was a good thing it didn't make them free to be together. 

Shepard’s smile grew wider as she saw him.  _‘Here come the night, here come the memories…’_

Tonight he’d find her in his dreams, he knew. His thoughts would be consumed by her for the next few days, it was likely, after this evening. They’d somehow come leaps and bound in understands thanks to only some drinks and some music. No one would ever believe him about how their ‘conversation’ had transpired or what had been ‘said’, but he might tell Anderson he’d seen her and she looked like she was doing okay, and that he might have a non-Cerberus way to contact her (if that worked out).

_‘I’ll turn and I’ll see you, as if our love were new, someday we can start again, someday soon’._

This time she sang the words, it was a promise they both made. 

_‘I still believe, I still put faith in us,’_  the lyrics were repeated, each time driving their message home. The loved each other, they still believed that this was possible and  _that_  was half the battle. Two lovers, who were drawn to one another in difficult circumstances to begin with, then torn apart by tragedy and divided by time, allegiance and duty. It would be enough to make even the strongest want to walk away and move on from the hurt, leave the past in the past and start afresh. 

But she was worth it to him. 

He’d been so afraid to admit it, as if admitting it would accept Cerberus and what had happened, and his discomfort of Shepard’s current situation. But that wasn’t true at all. She was worth the differences of opinion, the mess that had been Horizon, the nights of worrying exhaustion. She was worth defending .to her naysayers, and welcoming home when this was over. She was still the same Shepard. She may be flying under different colours – colours he hated morally – but she’s been right. She was doing this for the right reasons and exploiting an enemy while she was at it. No clone, no advanced AI, no imposter could have done what she’d managed tonight. 

His 'tool pinged with another message, from the same unknown ID as previously. 

_Cerberus has eyes and ears everywhere on the_ Normandy _, but I swear to you now, as a lover of romance novels_ _and Shepard’s friends_ _, that we_ will  _find a way for you to contact her._

Kaidan looked over to the now familiar back booth and saw both the unknown hooded woman and Tali snap off identical salutes. So he and Shepard had, what, supporters in this? The thought was actually heartening. If this woman and Tali could find him an unmonitored connection or a hidden encryption key, he could at least message Shepard with some carefully chosen words and maybe know she was okay as her mission progressed. Someone outside the  _Normandy_  to talk to. 

It was the very least he could offer her, to make sure she always remembered that tonight was not just some fantasy or dream; but had happened. And that he loved her. Always, always had loved her. Until the end of time, she'd always be in his heart.  

Their small group was moving, pushing empty glasses together and waving an omitool over the payment chit in the centre of the table. Leaving. Even though he knew they were after her last song, Kaidan couldn’t help feeling disappointment as it settled over him.

Shepard looked back at him at the door’s edge and held his gaze for a moment, as if she was committing him to memory. He stared back as intently, willing himself to breathe. Who knows when he’d see her in the flesh again. 

With a last smile, she turned and was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song credit: "Someday Out Of The Blue" by Elton John, from the animated film "The Road To El Dorado".
> 
> So, this whole fic is the fault of this one song. I love The Road To El Dorado, have for years, and I've got the soundtrack. This song came on a while back just in the middle of a random mix - and I couldn't help thinking of Kaidan and Shepard running into one another accidentally during the events of ME2. That mental image became a karaoke bar, and the other songs found their way in.


	7. Epilogue

_No. No, not like this._

Hurriedly paying his tab, Kaidan turned and ran out of the bar, the turian bartender’s knowing snigger sounding behind him. 

Outside, the ward was nearly deserted but Kaidan caught the edge of Tali’s filtered giggle from a little distance away. He ran in the direction, catching up to the trio as they turned a corner. Following, he stopped and caught his breath before calling out. 

“Shepard!”

She immediately stopped and turned, not bothering to hide the smile that lit up her face. She stepped towards him as he closed the distance between them, vaguely noting that Tali and the hooded woman had stepped back to give them some space, but not quite leave Shepard alone. 

Shepard was standing only a few feet from him. Kaidan found that speech of any kind had completely deserted him, and he could only stare at her even with her _right there_.  His body moved automatically as she stepped into his arms, her hands lightly on his shoulders as his own arms wrapped round her, feeling the warmth of her body. She was here. She was real, she was alive and Kaidan found the weight of the universe lifting from him as she laid her head on his shoulder and he rested his cheek on her hair. 

They held one another tightly, as if to be sure this wasn’t a dream. Not moving, just holding, Kaidan couldn’t be sure how long they stood there even though his rational mind told him it had only been a few minutes at the most. Shepard stirred, lifting her head as she rested a hand against Kaidan’s face. For a moment they just stared at one another before slowly drawing closer.

Kaidan had kissed Shepard before, a lot, two years ago. He’d imagined kissing Shepard many times since her death, but this wasn’t anything like that. He’d always thought any kiss between them again would be heavy, full of passion, desperation and a longing to make up lost time. Or they would be light and feathery, one after another, as he kissed as much of her as he could reach while thanking the stars she was in his arms again. 

This was something else.

This kiss was long and lingering, yet sweet and chaste. It was a kiss of deep love, goodbye and promise, confirming what had been revealed in the bar. The full-stop at the end of the evening’s story. Hours later, Kaidan would decide with certainty that he’d never, ever been kissed in such an overwhelming way before. Not even his and Shepard's first kiss had been full of such raw emotion. His mind was racing as they stayed still, keeping themselves connected for as long as possible. Neither tried to deepen it or take it any further, just let the gesture speak for itself. 

When they parted, at what felt to the be natural conclusion of the kiss, Kaidan gently ran his hand down Shepard's cheek and smiled as she leaned into the gesture. As she sighed, he knew she was about to turn away a moment before she did so, keeping a hold of his hand for as long as possible until she stepped beyond his reach. He watched her, unmoving, until she was lost from his sight with one last look.

They hadn't said a word directly to one another. Kaidan _had_ called out to her to get her attention, but he didn't think that counted – and yet, they'd manged to say so much with a simple kiss. He returned to his quarters in a daze, elated and enraptured beyond measure yet at the same time bitter and resentful she was so far away, again. What he would have given to have her here now, beside him...

But that memory, and the promise that was made, would sustain him for however long it took for them to find their way back to each other. 

And he _would_ find his way back to her. There was no way to know what the future might hold for them – the Reapers were still out there somewhere in Dark Space, both of them lead military lives and danger was not a stranger to either of them. Either of them could get injured, or worse, nearly every day. 

But he knew he'd find her again. The certainty settled in the back of his mind, irrepressible and unmoving, his conviction iron clad. 

_Someday we can live again,_ _some day_ _soon._

* * *

Three days later, waking up from another dream in which Shepard had featured – he couldn't remember in what context, but she'd been there – Kaidan found a message on his omnitool. An unknown sender had given him a new decryption program (labelled, he noticed, as 'OutOfTheBlue' in reference to Shepard's last song), along with a message:

_Lover boy –_ _Tali_ _and I wrote this code ourselves; it's one Cerberus has no_ _knowledge_ _of. It will connect to this 'tool ID, which Shepard will keep alongside her normal one. Make it count. - K_

_PS: Shepard says "Te_ _ll him it was nice to see him, no wait, that sounds too casual. J_ _ust say I look forward to hearing from_ _him; no hang on, that's even worse. Oh hell, just forget it, I'll just have to hope he takes the chance and sends something. Thank god it's not a video connection or I'd never get past those damn eyes of_ _his...wait,_ _have you been_ _writing all_ _that?! S_ _top that right now."_     


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for coming along on what turned from a daydream into a fic which I originally wasn't going to post, but then had too much fun with. As mentioned in the summary, it's an unapologetic crack!fic but there's something about it I love. I think that I might have to make a Shepard/Kaidan playlist now. They have a lot of songs that fit them.


End file.
